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Farewell

I felt it, last night.
Your absence.
Again.

I felt it, even when I was asleep.
I was probably dreaming about us.
Anxiety kicked in, and I woke up.
As soon as my eyes opened,
I panicked and screamed,
“Where are you? Where did you go?”

And then I sobbed.
I sobbed for a whole hour,
From 3 am to 4 am,
when I realised,
You weren’t a part of my life anymore,
when I realised,
I was not your man, anymore.
For you chose to break all our promises,
We made that night at the church.
I remember it all.
I remember all your promises.
I remember every word you said.
I remember it all.

Since that night,
when you chose to leave me.
I haven’t had a peaceful sleep.
It’s like I’m in a state of dementia,
Where I wake up every night,
after dreaming of us, together,
only to find out that we’re not,
and what I saw, was just a dream.

I don’t know for how long I’ll be
able to hold myself together.
I’m exhausted now.

I’m stuck in this world,
which exists in my head.
I don’t know
what’s real anymore.
But I have to survive.
For now I have to
handle it all myself.
For I know you won’t
be around anymore.

This was probably
the hardest thing my
heart had to go through.
Probably because I believed
each and every promise you made.
Probably because you were
my hardest goodbye.

I hope he treats you better, than I did.
I hope he loves you more, than I did.
I hope you never have to go through
a heartbreak, like I did.

I hope, someday,
you will realize,
what you did.

-Farewell, love.

-Abhishek Gupta

This Time

This time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

This time,
I’m going to rise
back up, stronger.

This time,
I won’t let anyone
break my heart.

This time,
I will protect it,
and I’ll protect myself,
because this time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

-Abhishek Gupta

The Red Door

Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.

Can you save me?
From the sleep paralysis
I suffer while I lay down still,
waiting for me to die in my bed.

Can you save me?
From my past,
which keeps coming back to me.
It comes back every night,
holds my hand, and
drags me towards that door.
That fucking door,
which looks blood soaked red.
ON my past and my losses,
my anxiety has fed.
I don’t remember how many times,
“I don’t wanna go in there,
please leave me alone”
I said.

But it never stops. It keeps dragging me
towards that door, that fucking door
which looks blood soaked red.

I don’t know what
lies ahead for me in life.
I don’t know if
I’m going to live my dreams,
Or I’m going to die,
giving up seeing all this strife.
I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to feel
how it feels to be loved again.
I don’t know if someone is
already trying to love me,
For I’m too busy isolating myself
and pushing people away.

I’m drowning in this
abyss of loneliness,
I want to be saved,
I want to save myself.
I don’t wanna die alone,
please pull me out of this hell.
Or I might, soon end up dead.

Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.

-Abhishek Gupta

Read more about the article Past Present Future

Past Present Future

You can never go back to what you were. I can never go back to what I was. Our experiences change us. We evolve mentally, physically and emotionally with time. You need to accept yourself the way you’re now. Don’t think of the past, the things which made you happy. It’s in the past. Those people, those things which used to make you happy, aren’t there anymore. So find happiness in the things, the people you have now. Let bygones be bygones. Focus of present, because your present will shape your future. Always remember this.

-Abhishek Gupta

Hope

We don’t always get what we want, what we deserve. Not everyone is lucky. I’ve struggled a lot in my life, and I’m still struggling. I had dreams. Big ass dreams. Couldn’t fulfill all of it. Because that’s life. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, so we need to learn to find happiness in what we have. If we are destined to do something big in life, we will do it, when the time is right. There’s a phrase in Hindi, which we need to learn by heart and respect it, “waqt se pehle, aur naseeb se zada kisi ko kuch nahi milta”. I’m not trying to demotivate any of you here. I am just telling you to face the truth. And keep working hard, so that someday you will reach that point in your life where you can actually try to fulfill all your dreams and live your life the way you always wanted to live. Accept the reality, but never lose hope. Hope is what keeps the fire within us, alive.

-Abhishek Gupta

Pain and Love

Pain and love.
What’s the link
between these
two words?

For me,
They’re both
The same.

For me,
Pain, have
Become a
Metaphor
Of love.

-Abhishek Gupta.

Lost My Zest.

I’ve lost my zest for life.
I do not know, if it’ll ever come back to me.
I do not know, why have I, become like this.
I do not know, what to do next.
Void my life has become, it feels.
Void my heart has become, it feels.
Writing was my only escape.
Only thing, which kept me sane.
I have lost my vision, it feels.
I’m going insane, it feels.
All my efforts, to overcome this,
It’s all going in vain.
I don’t even understand,
Why am I even feeling this pain?
It’s consuming me, day by day, bit by bit.
I want to write, like I used to, once again.
But I don’t know if I ever
will be able to do that.
For it feels, it feels like I’ve lost my wit.

-Somebody, please save me?

-Drowning in thoughts.

-Abhishek Gupta.

Love is a gamble.

I love you. I really do.

But I’ll not ruin my life.

Not again, not this time.

Love never has brought

anything good to me.

It has always been a source

of sorrow and despair, for me.

My heart has been broken by those,

who said they loved me.

My trust has been broken by those,

Who said they’d never break it.

Tired, I am, of these betrayals.

Tired, I am, of my heart being broken.

Tired, I am, of my unfortunate destiny.

I know, giving chances to people is good.

I wish, I could’ve given you, another one.

But, my love, I cannot, for now, I am done

I love you. I really do.

But I’ll not ruin my life.

Not again, not this time.

– Love is a gamble.

– Abhishek Gupta.

I care.

I care.

I still care.

My bipolarity overpowers me.

Yesterday, there was no love, no care,

but, today I feel it, again, that I care.

I care about you, even though,

It doesn’t matter to you, 

if I’m alive or am I dead.

I care, because, there’s still,

some love left inside of me.

It terrifies me how much I care.

I would still do anything for you.

I care.

I still care.

– Love is evil.

– Abhishek Gupta.