Tu hai kahan
तू है जहाँ, मैं था वहाँ।
अब मैं बढ़ा, और हूँ यहाँ।
तू है कहाँ? तू है कहाँ?
तू था जहाँ, तू है वहाँ।
तू है जहाँ, मैं था वहाँ।
अब मैं बढ़ा, और हूँ यहाँ।
-अभिषेक गुप्ता
Life/Tree
Autumn arrived,
and the leaves,
left the branches
of the tree all alone.
But the tree stood
right where it was,
still and strong.
For it knew,
they’ll come back.
For it knew,
that’s how the nature works.
So you, too,
stay strong and
don’t give up.
For you’re just
like a tree, and
the moments of
happiness you feel
are the leaves.
Happiness might’ve left
you alone, for now.
But it’ll come back.
It always comes back.
For that’s the nature
of happiness.
It comes and goes,
just like the wind,
it never stays still.
So be the tree here,
and stand still and strong.
For your roots are
not so weak that you will
give up so soon on life.
-Abhishek Gupta
I wish
I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.
I realised today,
that I had been
missing so many
things in life,
because I spent most
of my life,
being depressed,
clinging onto my past.
Today,
I decided to go out.
Small things,
like simply hanging
out with people who
love poetry the
same way you do,
can bring that
lost smile back
on your face.
I saw myself
happy, today.
I saw myself
smiling, today.
I even made new friends.
I am so proud of myself,
that I actually went out
and socialised so much.
I sang, played guitar,
and even rhymed the word scar,
with a car and my guitar.
My poetry was a disaster tho,
but I don’t remember the
last time I was this
carefree and euphoric.
I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.
But then came,
the wave of sadness.
When I realised,
this happiness which
I found in these people,
will be vanished, again,
once I will leave,
and go back to
being myself.
I’ll again be lying
alone in my bed,
with the dark thoughts
feeding on my happiness,
eventually, consuming it all.
My heart is so
heavy right now,
because I know,
this happiness,
which I felt today,
is temporary.
I guess that’s why
I’m even writing this,
today, after such a
long time, because
writing is the only way
by which I can vent.
My heart is so
heavy right now.
I wish,
I could
be this
happy,
more
often.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
-Abhishek Gupta
Nightmare
The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.
The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.
The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.
Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.
Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.
Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.
I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?
I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.
“Nightmare”
-Abhishek Gupta.
Purpose
Do I feel lonely at times? Yes. There are so many people I’ve lost while trying to find a purpose of my life, a reason to live, a reason which will give me the motivation, the strength to get up the next morning and start working on myself and my purpose of life, again. I met so many people in my life. I loved some of them, I hated some of them, but I never thought ill for anyone, even if they did for me. Every time anyone needed me, I was there, as a friend, brother, lover or fam. I was there. But most of the time, I was left alone, once I was not needed anymore. The people I loved the most, they abandoned me. I know, that they know, that they were wrong somewhere, and so was I, but I was there for them even at their lowest, but they were never there for me. For a long time, I felt like a left out, like a unlovable person, like a guy who has no purpose in life. It’s really depressing. I just accidentally stumble upon peoples’ lives, give them love and support when they need it, help them and always stand by there side, and when the time is right, when I know they don’t need me anymore, I leave, or should I say, they leave me. All this time, I thought I am a lost cause, without a purpose, but I, now, realise that I’m already serving my purpose. What I never got, I give it to people. Unconditional love and support. It’s okay if I don’t get it back. I do it with no strings attached. I may be a loner, but I’m proud of myself, that I’ve brought smiles on the faces of a lot of people. I know, that they all know, they did me wrong. I did some wrong to them as well, but I always had a heart to make it all up to them again, unlike them. Well, I’m going to keep doing what I do. God bless y’all. Be well! xx
-Abhishek Gupta.
Chaos
I miss myself at times.
I miss the person I once
used to be, before that
chaos tumbled
my life down.
A chaos
called
Love.
-Abhishek Gupta
Farewell
I felt it, last night.
Your absence.
Again.
I felt it, even when I was asleep.
I was probably dreaming about us.
Anxiety kicked in, and I woke up.
As soon as my eyes opened,
I panicked and screamed,
“Where are you? Where did you go?”
And then I sobbed.
I sobbed for a whole hour,
From 3 am to 4 am,
when I realised,
You weren’t a part of my life anymore,
when I realised,
I was not your man, anymore.
For you chose to break all our promises,
We made that night at the church.
I remember it all.
I remember all your promises.
I remember every word you said.
I remember it all.
Since that night,
when you chose to leave me.
I haven’t had a peaceful sleep.
It’s like I’m in a state of dementia,
Where I wake up every night,
after dreaming of us, together,
only to find out that we’re not,
and what I saw, was just a dream.
I don’t know for how long I’ll be
able to hold myself together.
I’m exhausted now.
I’m stuck in this world,
which exists in my head.
I don’t know
what’s real anymore.
But I have to survive.
For now I have to
handle it all myself.
For I know you won’t
be around anymore.
This was probably
the hardest thing my
heart had to go through.
Probably because I believed
each and every promise you made.
Probably because you were
my hardest goodbye.
I hope he treats you better, than I did.
I hope he loves you more, than I did.
I hope you never have to go through
a heartbreak, like I did.
I hope, someday,
you will realize,
what you did.
-Farewell, love.
-Abhishek Gupta
This Time
This time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.
This time,
I’m going to rise
back up, stronger.
This time,
I won’t let anyone
break my heart.
This time,
I will protect it,
and I’ll protect myself,
because this time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.
-Abhishek Gupta
The Red Door
Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.
Can you save me?
From the sleep paralysis
I suffer while I lay down still,
waiting for me to die in my bed.
Can you save me?
From my past,
which keeps coming back to me.
It comes back every night,
holds my hand, and
drags me towards that door.
That fucking door,
which looks blood soaked red.
ON my past and my losses,
my anxiety has fed.
I don’t remember how many times,
“I don’t wanna go in there,
please leave me alone”
I said.
But it never stops. It keeps dragging me
towards that door, that fucking door
which looks blood soaked red.
I don’t know what
lies ahead for me in life.
I don’t know if
I’m going to live my dreams,
Or I’m going to die,
giving up seeing all this strife.
I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to feel
how it feels to be loved again.
I don’t know if someone is
already trying to love me,
For I’m too busy isolating myself
and pushing people away.
I’m drowning in this
abyss of loneliness,
I want to be saved,
I want to save myself.
I don’t wanna die alone,
please pull me out of this hell.
Or I might, soon end up dead.
Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.
-Abhishek Gupta
Past Present Future
You can never go back to what you were. I can never go back to what I was. Our experiences change us. We evolve mentally, physically and emotionally with time. You need to accept yourself the way you’re now. Don’t think of the past, the things which made you happy. It’s in the past. Those people, those things which used to make you happy, aren’t there anymore. So find happiness in the things, the people you have now. Let bygones be bygones. Focus of present, because your present will shape your future. Always remember this.
-Abhishek Gupta