broken

I wish

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

I realised today,
that I had been
missing so many
things in life,
because I spent most
of my life,
being depressed,
clinging onto my past.

Today,
I decided to go out.
Small things,
like simply hanging
out with people who
love poetry the
same way you do,
can bring that
lost smile back
on your face.

I saw myself
happy, today.
I saw myself
smiling, today.

I even made new friends.
I am so proud of myself,
that I actually went out
and socialised so much.
I sang, played guitar,
and even rhymed the word scar,
with a car and my guitar.
My poetry was a disaster tho,
but I don’t remember the
last time I was this
carefree and euphoric.

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

But then came,
the wave of sadness.

When I realised,
this happiness which
I found in these people,
will be vanished, again,
once I will leave,
and go back to
being myself.

I’ll again be lying
alone in my bed,
with the dark thoughts
feeding on my happiness,
eventually, consuming it all.

My heart is so
heavy right now,
because I know,
this happiness,
which I felt today,
is temporary.

I guess that’s why
I’m even writing this,
today, after such a
long time, because
writing is the only way
by which I can vent.
My heart is so
heavy right now.

I wish,
I could
be this
happy,
more
often.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

-Abhishek Gupta

Nightmare

The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.

The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.

The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.

Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.

Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.

Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.

I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?

I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.

“Nightmare”

-Abhishek Gupta.

jhalak

Tujhe dekha aaj maine.
Kaafi waqt ke baad.

Ek jhalak mein
pehchan nahi
paaya tujhe.
Aisa din bhi aayega,
kabhi socha na tha.
Shayad sach mein ab
maine tujhe is dil se
nikaal phenka hai.

Waise,
kaafi sehmi si
thi aankhein teri,
Jhuki hui, nazre
churaati sabse.
Shayad mujhe dekh
teri aankhon ne tujhe,
teri bewafayi,
teri dagabaazi,
ki yaad dila di hogi.

Tujhe dekha aaj maine.
Kaafi waqt ke baad.

-Abhishek Gupta

The Red Door

Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.

Can you save me?
From the sleep paralysis
I suffer while I lay down still,
waiting for me to die in my bed.

Can you save me?
From my past,
which keeps coming back to me.
It comes back every night,
holds my hand, and
drags me towards that door.
That fucking door,
which looks blood soaked red.
ON my past and my losses,
my anxiety has fed.
I don’t remember how many times,
“I don’t wanna go in there,
please leave me alone”
I said.

But it never stops. It keeps dragging me
towards that door, that fucking door
which looks blood soaked red.

I don’t know what
lies ahead for me in life.
I don’t know if
I’m going to live my dreams,
Or I’m going to die,
giving up seeing all this strife.
I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to feel
how it feels to be loved again.
I don’t know if someone is
already trying to love me,
For I’m too busy isolating myself
and pushing people away.

I’m drowning in this
abyss of loneliness,
I want to be saved,
I want to save myself.
I don’t wanna die alone,
please pull me out of this hell.
Or I might, soon end up dead.

Can you save me?
From these fucked up
subliminal suicidal thoughts
which lurk inside my head.

-Abhishek Gupta

Pain and Love

Pain and love.
What’s the link
between these
two words?

For me,
They’re both
The same.

For me,
Pain, have
Become a
Metaphor
Of love.

-Abhishek Gupta.

Healer.

I help others, to heal.
I help, for I know how it feels.
i try to spread positivity.
for it’s the only way,
it’s the key.
I help others to heal,
but who would heal me?
– a broken person.
– Abhishek Gupta.

Answer me.

Afar, we were, for a long time.

Afar, we were, for you walked away.

Love, is what I thought, we had for each other.

Here, you were, with me, in my days,

in my days, when they were bright.

But, you hurled me away, left me, when

I was facing the darkest time of my life?

Never, you came back, 

Never, you explained,

why you wreaked havoc on me?

My love, this heart, belonged to you,

and you crushed it into pieces,

leaving this wreckage behind,

this wreckage of misery.

Today, here, I see you, 

Today, here, I see you,

with someone, you say, you love.

Isn’t that, exactly, what you once,

used to tell me, too?

Answers, I want from you.

‘Cause, I deserve to know, why,

why did I suffer so much,

why did you put me through

those torments that tore me apart?

Answers, I want from you.

‘Cause, you walked away, so quietly,

without saying a word, vanished, from my life,

as if we, us, together, never existed, leaving,

not even a single, not even a single, trace.

Answers, I want from you.

‘Cause, now that we’re here,

right here, standing, face to face.

– Agony.

– Abhishek Gupta.