My Heart Aches

My heart aches, every time
I think that you’ll never know
how much love I have for you,
in my heart. You look for this kind of love
everywhere else, in everyone else,
but you never look for it, in me.

I guess I’ll never be the one for you,
and I’m tired of being treated
like an option. I guess this is
where we part our ways.

The love you crave for,
was right in front of you.
If only you’d have opened
your eyes and seen it, but it’s okay.
This is how life works.

It’s time, for me to bid
you a final goodbye.

-Abhishek Gupta

Warrior

I loved someone once, with all my heart and soul. I’d have laid down my life for that person happily. That person meant the world to me. I met that someone during my darkest time, and that person pulled me out of the darkness, promising to be the light of my life. But in the end it didn’t matter, for that person pulled me out of the darkness just to drown me in the ocean of darkness later on. Oh, and I don’t know how to swim. That person knew this. I was left devastated and broken.

I trusted a friend once. Whom I considered a close confidante. Shared my life, my secrets and emotions. I do not open up to someone emotionally so easy, but I trusted this person. My friend was there, when I was drowning in the ocean of darkness. My friend, whom I treated like a brother, was that pillar of strength for me, because of whom I swam my way back to the ocean surface and eventually reached the shore. My friend, he was all that I was left with, when everyone abandoned me because of my deteriorating mental health. But one day, it turned out, he broke my trust too. He had his reasons to stick by my side. Once again, someone helped me to subside my demons just to throw me back to them at double the velocity I got away from them. Once again, I was left devastated and broken.

Devastated and broken? Yes. But am I still here, pretty much alive and still kickin’ ass? Hell yeah. Life knocked me down, and I got back up, and I always will. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Some people will see it this way, how devastated and broken I was, I still am somewhat. But I chose to see the good and bad, both. They broke me, but before they broke me, they helped me heal, too. So, no. I don’t have any hatred for them in my heart. I have no ill thoughts for them, because I learned an important lesson about life, because of them.

I learned that, no matter how hard life knocks us down, it’s “us” who decides whether we can get back up or not. Even if the world says, you won’t be able to get back up after that hit you took. YOU CAN GET BACK UP. All you need to do is BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You’re a warrior and a warrior

NEVER

EVER

BACKS

DOWN.

-Abhishek Gupta

I wish

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

I realised today,
that I had been
missing so many
things in life,
because I spent most
of my life,
being depressed,
clinging onto my past.

Today,
I decided to go out.
Small things,
like simply hanging
out with people who
love poetry the
same way you do,
can bring that
lost smile back
on your face.

I saw myself
happy, today.
I saw myself
smiling, today.

I even made new friends.
I am so proud of myself,
that I actually went out
and socialised so much.
I sang, played guitar,
and even rhymed the word scar,
with a car and my guitar.
My poetry was a disaster tho,
but I don’t remember the
last time I was this
carefree and euphoric.

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

But then came,
the wave of sadness.

When I realised,
this happiness which
I found in these people,
will be vanished, again,
once I will leave,
and go back to
being myself.

I’ll again be lying
alone in my bed,
with the dark thoughts
feeding on my happiness,
eventually, consuming it all.

My heart is so
heavy right now,
because I know,
this happiness,
which I felt today,
is temporary.

I guess that’s why
I’m even writing this,
today, after such a
long time, because
writing is the only way
by which I can vent.
My heart is so
heavy right now.

I wish,
I could
be this
happy,
more
often.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

-Abhishek Gupta

Nightmare

The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.

The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.

The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.

Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.

Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.

Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.

I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?

I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.

“Nightmare”

-Abhishek Gupta.

Would You Love Me?

Would you love me,
even when the world
will be against me?

Would you love me,
when my head will be
filled with self doubt?

Would you love me,
knowing the fact that
I have no will to live,
and that I think about
ending my life twice a day?

Would you love me,
even when I don’t
love myself?

Would you love me,
and pull me out of
this miserable life
I am living right now?

But wait,
who am I even asking
these questions to?

You,
don’t
even
exist.

-Abhishek Gupta

This Time

This time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

This time,
I’m going to rise
back up, stronger.

This time,
I won’t let anyone
break my heart.

This time,
I will protect it,
and I’ll protect myself,
because this time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

-Abhishek Gupta

Waited

You waited, but s/he never came back. Ykw sometimes people don’t come back & that’s okay, because they’re not supposed to be back.

-Abhishek Gupta

Past

I wonder,
If you ever think of me.
Do you even remember my voice?
The way I used to be, around you?
Do you ever get that sense of euphoria,
thinking about OUR happy memories?
I wonder, if you even care,
that I’m even alive or not.

Like I always say,
It’s not the bad memories,
Which fucks you up from inside,
It’s the happy ones, because,
you know it’ll never happen again.

The moments we shared,
the happiness I felt, I know,
It’ll never come back to me.
I know I will never be able to
hold your hands again, ever.
I know, it’s all over now.
It’s been 6 years, after all.
The memories, it has started
to fade away, with time.
Your voice sounds like
a stranger to me now.
I know, it’s all over now.
It’s been 6 years, after all.

I’ve been carrying these dead
feelings for a long time now.
I guess the time has finally arrived.
The time to bury these memories,
these feelings, the agony and anguish,
which burns within this heart.

Today, I saw you with your love.
I saw, how happy you were,
Exactly like you used to be with me.
Whilst I was still struggling to
heal and mend this broken heart.
I believe, the time has come,
to end it, once and for all.

Finally,
I’m leaving my past,
where it belongs.

// in the past //

-Abhishek Gupta

Survivor

I am standing at this side of the isle,
And I can see you, going away.
There’s nothing I can do, to stop you.
It’d would be something similar to
Me trying to not let the sand, in my fist, fall down.
See, here’s the thing, even if I try, I know,
It, the sand, is going to vanish in some time.

I don’t know, how to react.
I don’t know, how to enact.
I won’t be fine, well,
that I know, for the fact.
But how good I am
at burying my feelings,
deep inside my chest, alive.
Only I, know that.

But you know what,
I am exhausted now.
I’m tired of putting
that mask, on my face.
That mask of “I’m okay”.
Masquerading,
that I’m strong.
Whilst I’m not.

Consumed by the dark, I am.
Broken inside, yet alive, I am.
Maybe beyond fixing, aloof, I am.

But worry not, about me.
Alone, I might be,
But lonely,
I am not.

I know,
how strong,
I am.
However
my life is,
here’s
the thing,
Alive,
I am.

// survivor //

-Abhishek Gupta

Letter

To,
The person whom I once loved.

I have nothing but hatred in my heart, for you, but underneath this charade of hatred, there’s still some love left, for you, and it always will.

With love,
Abhishek Gupta.