depression

How Do I Stop This Pain?

There’s a war brewing inside my head.
I’m so tired of this never ending sadness.
No more tears are left in my eyes to be shed.

To fight or not to fight?
I’m consumed by this darkness.
This darkness is getting stronger,
and my light is losing this fight.
I need to find the light.
Where’s the light?
Where’s the light?

I need to end this.
I need to know if I’m still sane.
Somebody, please stop this.
I don’t know how to stop this.
I feel all my efforts are going in vain.

Somebody, Please tell me.
How do I stop this pain?
How do I stop this pain?

-Abhishek Gupta

Dream or Nightmare?

Ever woke up in the middle of the night, after a dream in which you were still together with that person who broke your heart and crushed it? You were happy in that dream. But then you wake up smiling, and after a few seconds you realise it was just a dream and then the bitter memories hit you back, it hits you real hard and then, you just breakdown in the middle of the night. Sobbing uncontrollably, until you get so exhausted that you fall asleep, again.

It breaks you from inside.

-Abhishek Gupta

How Have You Been?

How have you been?
Let’s catch up,
have some wine,
and conversate,
about how we always
trying to impersonate,
and trying to be
someone we’re not.
We are slowly
becoming
who we hate.
Life’s been hell lately,
but we tell everyone
it’s going great.
My mind, right now, is in
a pretty messed up state.
But I’m holding on, somehow,
telling myself to wait.
Wait for something good to happen,
something which’ll really be great.
Which’ll pull me out of
this miserable state.

But Hey,
how have YOU been?
Let’s catch up,
have some wine,
and conversate.

-Abhishek Gupta

Warrior

I loved someone once, with all my heart and soul. I’d have laid down my life for that person happily. That person meant the world to me. I met that someone during my darkest time, and that person pulled me out of the darkness, promising to be the light of my life. But in the end it didn’t matter, for that person pulled me out of the darkness just to drown me in the ocean of darkness later on. Oh, and I don’t know how to swim. That person knew this. I was left devastated and broken.

I trusted a friend once. Whom I considered a close confidante. Shared my life, my secrets and emotions. I do not open up to someone emotionally so easy, but I trusted this person. My friend was there, when I was drowning in the ocean of darkness. My friend, whom I treated like a brother, was that pillar of strength for me, because of whom I swam my way back to the ocean surface and eventually reached the shore. My friend, he was all that I was left with, when everyone abandoned me because of my deteriorating mental health. But one day, it turned out, he broke my trust too. He had his reasons to stick by my side. Once again, someone helped me to subside my demons just to throw me back to them at double the velocity I got away from them. Once again, I was left devastated and broken.

Devastated and broken? Yes. But am I still here, pretty much alive and still kickin’ ass? Hell yeah. Life knocked me down, and I got back up, and I always will. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Some people will see it this way, how devastated and broken I was, I still am somewhat. But I chose to see the good and bad, both. They broke me, but before they broke me, they helped me heal, too. So, no. I don’t have any hatred for them in my heart. I have no ill thoughts for them, because I learned an important lesson about life, because of them.

I learned that, no matter how hard life knocks us down, it’s “us” who decides whether we can get back up or not. Even if the world says, you won’t be able to get back up after that hit you took. YOU CAN GET BACK UP. All you need to do is BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You’re a warrior and a warrior

NEVER

EVER

BACKS

DOWN.

-Abhishek Gupta

Grave

Tw: suicidal motifs.

I run through the sand, I stride.
So desperate to get away.
So desperate to hide.
I run towards the waves.
They’re calling me home.
They say, my soul,
only they can save.
I know, this is the end.
I’m running towards my grave.
But I trust them, I believe.
My soul, only they can save.

Once they pull me, inside.
Inside, I won’t have to run,
desperately trying to hide.
Inside, there’ll be no tears.
Inside, I’ll never have to
remember the times,
when I was left alone,
the times, when I cried.

I’m telling myself
Don’t be afraid.
I’m telling myself
Don’t be afraid.
It’s time, it’s time.
We’re going home.

-Abhishek Gupta

Conversations I Have With Myself

Tw: Depression.

“Conversations I have with myself.”

“I feel exhausted. I didn’t picture myself like this when I was young. I had plans. I had dreams. It has all faded away now. My heart. I feel so empty inside. No matter what I do, this emptiness doesn’t go away. The dark thoughts never leaves my head alone. It’s like a spirit that has latched itself upon me and have decided it’ll never leave me alone. How ironic, right? My dark thoughts never leaves me alone, but the only reason I feel so empty inside is because I have always been alone. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how long I can hold myself together. I don’t want to give up, but I might. I’m exhausted.”

– I know how you’re feeling. Trust me, I do. I’m you. I know how much it hurts. I get it. But you’re strong. You’ve made hopeless people believe in themselves. You’ve brought smiles on the faces of the most depressing souls you’ve met. There are people out there, not many, but there are people out there who look up to you. Because you give them hope. Because you have a kind soul who tries to make everyone around you, happy. I just want you not to give up so soon, or ever. Giving up is not an option. You’re no coward mister. You’re a fighter. No one knows what all you’ve been through, whether it was your childhood, or adulthood. Other people, they don’t know you, but I know you, and you, my boy, you’re a fighter. You’ve seen the worse, and you rose above it all. So what’s with this giving up attitude suddenly? You did not come this far to tell me that you want to give up at this point of your life.

“I shut myself off from everyone. I push them away. I don’t want to, but I can’t trust them, because I don’t want to get hurt again. Braveheart sound and look good only in movies, but in reality, it hurts like hell. We all aren’t bravehearts. I am no braveheart. I know, some people try to love me. They want to help me. But I’m too afraid to let my guard down. Because whenever I have let my guard down, my heart has been crushed, my trust has been broken and I don’t want it all to be repeated again. But I don’t want to be left alone too. I don’t know what to do. Why are people so complicated? Why can’t they simply love someone and just not hurt them, not abuse them emotionally and just be a good samaritan?”

– Shutting yourself off from everyone? Well, it’s no big deal. Sometimes staying alone can be helpful, I know that, because it has helped me a lot, numerous times. But here’s the thing. Just know when to reach out to people, to your hoomans, when it gets too dark there, when it starts hurting you. You work things out, and you snap out of it. You come out of that dark place ‘cause no one else can do that for you. Life never is fair. You and I we both know that. But we can’t hold on to the past forever. People have hurt you. Every frigging person you ever trusted and loved unconditionally, have brought you pain. I know that. But that is life. People do that. Humans are flawed. You are flawed too. People have hurt you. But so have you. You’ve hurt people too. You’ve hurt people who tried to help you snap out of your dark place. This is going to be a hard to swallow pill, but I have to give it to you ‘cause no one else will. You like it this way. You’ve been so hurt your entire life, that you’ve started to like it. You can be happy, but yet you choose to be sad. You choose sadness over happiness. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong in it. Voila! You’ve figured out life! It’s depressing and eventually we all will die. So it’s okay to be sad. But find some moments of happiness too. It’ll be temporary, but it’s okay to be happy sometimes. You know this. So try to find happiness in the people around you. Be safe, sound and happy. You can always reach out to me whenever you need a friend to pull you out of your dark place in your head, or you can reach out to the few people who still care about you, and you know it damn well who all they are. So whenever it gets too dark, run towards the light. Don’t let the darkness consume you. There are a lot of depressed souls out there whom you need to cheer up. So buckle up, my boy, ‘cause you got a long life ahead of you. It’ll all be fine soon.

-Abhishek Gupta

Mayassar

Ishq kiya tha,
shiddat se tujhse, maine.
Ab sochta hoon, kyun?

Muddaton sath nibhaane
ka waada kiya tha tune.
Ab sochta hoon, kyun?

Tanha chhoda beech
raah mujhe yoon akele.
Ab sochta hoon, kyun?

Mushkil ho gaya ab ye
zindagi jeena mera, tum bin.
Ab sochta hoon, kyun?

Thak gaya hoon zindagi ke
is safar ko akela tay karte-karte.
Ab sochta hoon, Kyun?

Ishq kiya tha,
shiddat se tujhse, maine.
Ab sochta hoon, kyun?

Khatm karun is zindagi,
is dard-e-tanhayi ko.
Khud ko mayassar
kar raha hoon.
Par phir sochta hoon, kyun?

-Abhishek Gupta

I wish

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

I realised today,
that I had been
missing so many
things in life,
because I spent most
of my life,
being depressed,
clinging onto my past.

Today,
I decided to go out.
Small things,
like simply hanging
out with people who
love poetry the
same way you do,
can bring that
lost smile back
on your face.

I saw myself
happy, today.
I saw myself
smiling, today.

I even made new friends.
I am so proud of myself,
that I actually went out
and socialised so much.
I sang, played guitar,
and even rhymed the word scar,
with a car and my guitar.
My poetry was a disaster tho,
but I don’t remember the
last time I was this
carefree and euphoric.

I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.

But then came,
the wave of sadness.

When I realised,
this happiness which
I found in these people,
will be vanished, again,
once I will leave,
and go back to
being myself.

I’ll again be lying
alone in my bed,
with the dark thoughts
feeding on my happiness,
eventually, consuming it all.

My heart is so
heavy right now,
because I know,
this happiness,
which I felt today,
is temporary.

I guess that’s why
I’m even writing this,
today, after such a
long time, because
writing is the only way
by which I can vent.
My heart is so
heavy right now.

I wish,
I could
be this
happy,
more
often.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

-Abhishek Gupta

Nightmare

The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.

The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.

The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.

Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.

Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.

Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.

I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?

I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.

“Nightmare”

-Abhishek Gupta.

Happiness

Stop trying to seek happiness.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
When you’re sad, be sad.
Don’t force yourself to be happy.
Your sadness will eventually subside.
And you will start smiling again.

Always remember this.
You don’t find happiness.
Happiness finds you.

-Abhishek Gupta