depression

Farewell

I felt it, last night.
Your absence.
Again.

I felt it, even when I was asleep.
I was probably dreaming about us.
Anxiety kicked in, and I woke up.
As soon as my eyes opened,
I panicked and screamed,
“Where are you? Where did you go?”

And then I sobbed.
I sobbed for a whole hour,
From 3 am to 4 am,
when I realised,
You weren’t a part of my life anymore,
when I realised,
I was not your man, anymore.
For you chose to break all our promises,
We made that night at the church.
I remember it all.
I remember all your promises.
I remember every word you said.
I remember it all.

Since that night,
when you chose to leave me.
I haven’t had a peaceful sleep.
It’s like I’m in a state of dementia,
Where I wake up every night,
after dreaming of us, together,
only to find out that we’re not,
and what I saw, was just a dream.

I don’t know for how long I’ll be
able to hold myself together.
I’m exhausted now.

I’m stuck in this world,
which exists in my head.
I don’t know
what’s real anymore.
But I have to survive.
For now I have to
handle it all myself.
For I know you won’t
be around anymore.

This was probably
the hardest thing my
heart had to go through.
Probably because I believed
each and every promise you made.
Probably because you were
my hardest goodbye.

I hope he treats you better, than I did.
I hope he loves you more, than I did.
I hope you never have to go through
a heartbreak, like I did.

I hope, someday,
you will realize,
what you did.

-Farewell, love.

-Abhishek Gupta

This Time

This time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

This time,
I’m going to rise
back up, stronger.

This time,
I won’t let anyone
break my heart.

This time,
I will protect it,
and I’ll protect myself,
because this time,
I won’t let anyone
take away this smile
and my happiness, from me.

-Abhishek Gupta

I Feel Nothing

I’ve lost so many people in my life, whom I loved from the core of my heart, that now I’ve become numb.

I’m not saying I’m saint and that I never made mistakes. I made mistakes, I overreacted in situations which could’ve been handled maturely, but I paid a heavy toll for my sensitive nature. I lost friends, who were precious to me more than myself.

But I tried to mend things, even though I was partly at fault. I decided to give them my love again, I tried to mend everything, but they refused it. Their ego didn’t let them accept their mistakes, so I ended up being hurt, all over again.

So yes, now, I don’t feel anything when I cut off people from my life, or if people cut me off from their life, because I’ve had enough of it, people playing with my feelings. My heart, now, is an abyss of nothingness. So those friends who ask me all the time, why did I change? Y’all are the reason I became what I am today.

-Abhishek Gupta

Alfaaz

मैं रहूँ या ना रहूँ, मेरे ये अल्फ़ाज़ हमेशा रहेंगे।
और जबतक ये रहेंगे, ये अल्फ़ाज़ तुमसे कहेंगे,
के मुस्कुरा कर ही जिया है इस ज़िंदगी को हुमेशा हमने,
और मुस्कुरा कर ही इस दास्ताँ-ए-ग़म को भी हम सहेंगे।

-Abhishek Gupta

Read more about the article Past Present Future

Past Present Future

You can never go back to what you were. I can never go back to what I was. Our experiences change us. We evolve mentally, physically and emotionally with time. You need to accept yourself the way you’re now. Don’t think of the past, the things which made you happy. It’s in the past. Those people, those things which used to make you happy, aren’t there anymore. So find happiness in the things, the people you have now. Let bygones be bygones. Focus of present, because your present will shape your future. Always remember this.

-Abhishek Gupta

Never Lose Hope

You’ll fall. You’re supposed to fall. That is inevitable. ‘Sometimes’ you have people around you, who will help you, to get up, but mostly this is not the case. You fall down. You’re hurt. You feel like giving up. But that’s what life is all about. So get used to it. Get used to of falling down and getting hurt. Because that’s how we learn and evolve. And then, you pick yourself up. You guide yourself. You LEARN from your mistakes. Always remember this, “the people you expect to be around, will not always be around, so you need to trust only one person, and that one person is YOU”. When it’s dark, you light your way and guide yourself home. People are temporary. YOU are constant, in your life. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. No matter how hard it gets, never lose hope.

-Abhishek Gupta

My Crippling Depression

It follows me everywhere I go.
It never ever leaves me alone.

From morning till night.
It’s always lingering around me.

I stay alone, but I’m never really alone.
It sleeps beside me, every single night.
I repeat, I stay alone.

So sometimes, it’s frightening.
It so frightening, that it sends,
Shivers down my spine.

I hyperventilate.
I cannot think straight.
My head starts brimming,
with thoughts, sick and grim.
I cannot concentrate.
The light in my eyes,
Starts getting dim.

I fall, but I’m still standing.

I feel I’m going to die, alone.
Now I’m panicking, even more.
My eyes start getting shut,
I try to stay awake, but i cannot.
So I just lie down and
then i go into a shock.

Darkness lingers in front of my eyes.
Then, I sleep. I sleep, for a long fuckin’ time.

And When i wake up, I see myself,
Drenched in sweat, still panicking,
Blood rushing to my head.

But I thank God, for I’m not, dead.

I do no drugs,
Not anymore.
I’ve been clean, from a long long time.

But IT has affected so much.
So much that now, again,
I doubt my sobriety.

It never ever leaves me alone.
My crippling depression
And this fuckin’ anxiety.

-Abhishek Gupta

Hide and Seek

I was happy yesterday.
But today, suddenly,
everything seems grey.

I guess my depression wants
to play hide and seek, again.

-Abhishek Gupta.

Depression.

Depression is not sadness. Stop considering it as one. It fucks you up from inside. If it has taken lives of people like Robin Williams, Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, then it’s pretty darn real. Stop saying this “If you’re depressed, talk”. YOU SHOULD GO AND TALK TO THEM. If you feel someone is depressed. Go and talk to them. Don’t wait for them to come and talk to you. They might not. Help them.

– Depression kills.

– Abhishek Gupta.

Proud.

You grew up too early, kid.
Things never were easy for you, I know.
You were left alone, you were just a kid.
A kid afraid of this humongous world,
but you couldn’t show.

You couldn’t make friends,
You lived in a world of your own.
You cried alone, you didn’t go out much,
No one was there to console you, help you,
You did that, too, on your own.

Things were not easy for you,
But you understood everything,
Never complained to mom and dad,
Why did they go away to work,
Leaving you all alone.
For you understood,
they did that, for you.

You faced all the problems,
Which a kid wasn’t supposed
to handle on his own, but you did.
You did and you overcame those barriers,
and you excelled at whatever you did.

It’s me, your future self.
I’m writing this letter,
on behalf of your family
and me, to tell you,

” You brave, brave little boy,
We’re so proud of you. ”

-Abhishek Gupta