Rangmanch
Ye duniya ek rangmanch hai,
Chaayi har oor tanhayi hai.
Khafa nahi hoon tujhse main.
Ye bas meri khud ki,
Khud se ladaayi hai.
-Abhishek Gupta.
Grave
Tw: suicidal motifs.
I run through the sand, I stride.
So desperate to get away.
So desperate to hide.
I run towards the waves.
They’re calling me home.
They say, my soul,
only they can save.
I know, this is the end.
I’m running towards my grave.
But I trust them, I believe.
My soul, only they can save.
Once they pull me, inside.
Inside, I won’t have to run,
desperately trying to hide.
Inside, there’ll be no tears.
Inside, I’ll never have to
remember the times,
when I was left alone,
the times, when I cried.
I’m telling myself
Don’t be afraid.
I’m telling myself
Don’t be afraid.
It’s time, it’s time.
We’re going home.
-Abhishek Gupta
Conversations I Have With Myself
Tw: Depression.
“Conversations I have with myself.”
“I feel exhausted. I didn’t picture myself like this when I was young. I had plans. I had dreams. It has all faded away now. My heart. I feel so empty inside. No matter what I do, this emptiness doesn’t go away. The dark thoughts never leaves my head alone. It’s like a spirit that has latched itself upon me and have decided it’ll never leave me alone. How ironic, right? My dark thoughts never leaves me alone, but the only reason I feel so empty inside is because I have always been alone. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how long I can hold myself together. I don’t want to give up, but I might. I’m exhausted.”
– I know how you’re feeling. Trust me, I do. I’m you. I know how much it hurts. I get it. But you’re strong. You’ve made hopeless people believe in themselves. You’ve brought smiles on the faces of the most depressing souls you’ve met. There are people out there, not many, but there are people out there who look up to you. Because you give them hope. Because you have a kind soul who tries to make everyone around you, happy. I just want you not to give up so soon, or ever. Giving up is not an option. You’re no coward mister. You’re a fighter. No one knows what all you’ve been through, whether it was your childhood, or adulthood. Other people, they don’t know you, but I know you, and you, my boy, you’re a fighter. You’ve seen the worse, and you rose above it all. So what’s with this giving up attitude suddenly? You did not come this far to tell me that you want to give up at this point of your life.
“I shut myself off from everyone. I push them away. I don’t want to, but I can’t trust them, because I don’t want to get hurt again. Braveheart sound and look good only in movies, but in reality, it hurts like hell. We all aren’t bravehearts. I am no braveheart. I know, some people try to love me. They want to help me. But I’m too afraid to let my guard down. Because whenever I have let my guard down, my heart has been crushed, my trust has been broken and I don’t want it all to be repeated again. But I don’t want to be left alone too. I don’t know what to do. Why are people so complicated? Why can’t they simply love someone and just not hurt them, not abuse them emotionally and just be a good samaritan?”
– Shutting yourself off from everyone? Well, it’s no big deal. Sometimes staying alone can be helpful, I know that, because it has helped me a lot, numerous times. But here’s the thing. Just know when to reach out to people, to your hoomans, when it gets too dark there, when it starts hurting you. You work things out, and you snap out of it. You come out of that dark place ‘cause no one else can do that for you. Life never is fair. You and I we both know that. But we can’t hold on to the past forever. People have hurt you. Every frigging person you ever trusted and loved unconditionally, have brought you pain. I know that. But that is life. People do that. Humans are flawed. You are flawed too. People have hurt you. But so have you. You’ve hurt people too. You’ve hurt people who tried to help you snap out of your dark place. This is going to be a hard to swallow pill, but I have to give it to you ‘cause no one else will. You like it this way. You’ve been so hurt your entire life, that you’ve started to like it. You can be happy, but yet you choose to be sad. You choose sadness over happiness. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong in it. Voila! You’ve figured out life! It’s depressing and eventually we all will die. So it’s okay to be sad. But find some moments of happiness too. It’ll be temporary, but it’s okay to be happy sometimes. You know this. So try to find happiness in the people around you. Be safe, sound and happy. You can always reach out to me whenever you need a friend to pull you out of your dark place in your head, or you can reach out to the few people who still care about you, and you know it damn well who all they are. So whenever it gets too dark, run towards the light. Don’t let the darkness consume you. There are a lot of depressed souls out there whom you need to cheer up. So buckle up, my boy, ‘cause you got a long life ahead of you. It’ll all be fine soon.
-Abhishek Gupta
Tu hai kahan
तू है जहाँ, मैं था वहाँ।
अब मैं बढ़ा, और हूँ यहाँ।
तू है कहाँ? तू है कहाँ?
तू था जहाँ, तू है वहाँ।
तू है जहाँ, मैं था वहाँ।
अब मैं बढ़ा, और हूँ यहाँ।
-अभिषेक गुप्ता
I wish
I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.
I realised today,
that I had been
missing so many
things in life,
because I spent most
of my life,
being depressed,
clinging onto my past.
Today,
I decided to go out.
Small things,
like simply hanging
out with people who
love poetry the
same way you do,
can bring that
lost smile back
on your face.
I saw myself
happy, today.
I saw myself
smiling, today.
I even made new friends.
I am so proud of myself,
that I actually went out
and socialised so much.
I sang, played guitar,
and even rhymed the word scar,
with a car and my guitar.
My poetry was a disaster tho,
but I don’t remember the
last time I was this
carefree and euphoric.
I felt it today.
After a long time.
Happiness.
But then came,
the wave of sadness.
When I realised,
this happiness which
I found in these people,
will be vanished, again,
once I will leave,
and go back to
being myself.
I’ll again be lying
alone in my bed,
with the dark thoughts
feeding on my happiness,
eventually, consuming it all.
My heart is so
heavy right now,
because I know,
this happiness,
which I felt today,
is temporary.
I guess that’s why
I’m even writing this,
today, after such a
long time, because
writing is the only way
by which I can vent.
My heart is so
heavy right now.
I wish,
I could
be this
happy,
more
often.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
-Abhishek Gupta
Nightmare
The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.
The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.
The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.
Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.
Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.
Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.
I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?
I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.
“Nightmare”
-Abhishek Gupta.
jhalak
Tujhe dekha aaj maine.
Kaafi waqt ke baad.
Ek jhalak mein
pehchan nahi
paaya tujhe.
Aisa din bhi aayega,
kabhi socha na tha.
Shayad sach mein ab
maine tujhe is dil se
nikaal phenka hai.
Waise,
kaafi sehmi si
thi aankhein teri,
Jhuki hui, nazre
churaati sabse.
Shayad mujhe dekh
teri aankhon ne tujhe,
teri bewafayi,
teri dagabaazi,
ki yaad dila di hogi.
Tujhe dekha aaj maine.
Kaafi waqt ke baad.
-Abhishek Gupta
Storm.
There’s a storm
Outside
As well as
Inside my head.
– A catastrophic storm.
– Abhishek Gupta.
Writer’s life.
We’re going to keep writing, forever,
for, we can never stop,
for, we won’t stop.
We can never be empty,
empty, of emotions and feelings,
’cause, just like a jar,
when it’s empty,
someone comes and fills it again,
and that’s the beauty of it,
of us, of everyone who writes.
They can never stop,
for, it’s an endless loop,
and endless cycle.
We feel. We write. We vent.
We do it all over again.
– Words matter.
– Abhishek Gupta.
Void.
Never before, was I, like this.
care and love, that’s all
my heart was filled with.
I showered, all my love, on you.
Happiness, is all that I wanted.
For you. For me.
Now, since you left,
choosing a path,
which led you away from me,
Void, my heart has become.
Void, my life bas become, too.
Feelings, left inside are none.
Null, is the love, left inside me.
Care, I have forgotten, what it means.
I am not, anymore, me.
I am not, anymore, what I used to be.
Changed, I am, I had to, for,
you made me this person, I am, today.
You woke this demon,
who doesn’t care about
anyone, anymore.
Not even about,
himself.
– Apathetic.
– Abhishek Gupta.