hate

How Do I Stop This Pain?

There’s a war brewing inside my head.
I’m so tired of this never ending sadness.
No more tears are left in my eyes to be shed.

To fight or not to fight?
I’m consumed by this darkness.
This darkness is getting stronger,
and my light is losing this fight.
I need to find the light.
Where’s the light?
Where’s the light?

I need to end this.
I need to know if I’m still sane.
Somebody, please stop this.
I don’t know how to stop this.
I feel all my efforts are going in vain.

Somebody, Please tell me.
How do I stop this pain?
How do I stop this pain?

-Abhishek Gupta

How Have You Been?

How have you been?
Let’s catch up,
have some wine,
and conversate,
about how we always
trying to impersonate,
and trying to be
someone we’re not.
We are slowly
becoming
who we hate.
Life’s been hell lately,
but we tell everyone
it’s going great.
My mind, right now, is in
a pretty messed up state.
But I’m holding on, somehow,
telling myself to wait.
Wait for something good to happen,
something which’ll really be great.
Which’ll pull me out of
this miserable state.

But Hey,
how have YOU been?
Let’s catch up,
have some wine,
and conversate.

-Abhishek Gupta

Conversations I Have With Myself

Tw: Depression.

“Conversations I have with myself.”

“I feel exhausted. I didn’t picture myself like this when I was young. I had plans. I had dreams. It has all faded away now. My heart. I feel so empty inside. No matter what I do, this emptiness doesn’t go away. The dark thoughts never leaves my head alone. It’s like a spirit that has latched itself upon me and have decided it’ll never leave me alone. How ironic, right? My dark thoughts never leaves me alone, but the only reason I feel so empty inside is because I have always been alone. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how long I can hold myself together. I don’t want to give up, but I might. I’m exhausted.”

– I know how you’re feeling. Trust me, I do. I’m you. I know how much it hurts. I get it. But you’re strong. You’ve made hopeless people believe in themselves. You’ve brought smiles on the faces of the most depressing souls you’ve met. There are people out there, not many, but there are people out there who look up to you. Because you give them hope. Because you have a kind soul who tries to make everyone around you, happy. I just want you not to give up so soon, or ever. Giving up is not an option. You’re no coward mister. You’re a fighter. No one knows what all you’ve been through, whether it was your childhood, or adulthood. Other people, they don’t know you, but I know you, and you, my boy, you’re a fighter. You’ve seen the worse, and you rose above it all. So what’s with this giving up attitude suddenly? You did not come this far to tell me that you want to give up at this point of your life.

“I shut myself off from everyone. I push them away. I don’t want to, but I can’t trust them, because I don’t want to get hurt again. Braveheart sound and look good only in movies, but in reality, it hurts like hell. We all aren’t bravehearts. I am no braveheart. I know, some people try to love me. They want to help me. But I’m too afraid to let my guard down. Because whenever I have let my guard down, my heart has been crushed, my trust has been broken and I don’t want it all to be repeated again. But I don’t want to be left alone too. I don’t know what to do. Why are people so complicated? Why can’t they simply love someone and just not hurt them, not abuse them emotionally and just be a good samaritan?”

– Shutting yourself off from everyone? Well, it’s no big deal. Sometimes staying alone can be helpful, I know that, because it has helped me a lot, numerous times. But here’s the thing. Just know when to reach out to people, to your hoomans, when it gets too dark there, when it starts hurting you. You work things out, and you snap out of it. You come out of that dark place ‘cause no one else can do that for you. Life never is fair. You and I we both know that. But we can’t hold on to the past forever. People have hurt you. Every frigging person you ever trusted and loved unconditionally, have brought you pain. I know that. But that is life. People do that. Humans are flawed. You are flawed too. People have hurt you. But so have you. You’ve hurt people too. You’ve hurt people who tried to help you snap out of your dark place. This is going to be a hard to swallow pill, but I have to give it to you ‘cause no one else will. You like it this way. You’ve been so hurt your entire life, that you’ve started to like it. You can be happy, but yet you choose to be sad. You choose sadness over happiness. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong in it. Voila! You’ve figured out life! It’s depressing and eventually we all will die. So it’s okay to be sad. But find some moments of happiness too. It’ll be temporary, but it’s okay to be happy sometimes. You know this. So try to find happiness in the people around you. Be safe, sound and happy. You can always reach out to me whenever you need a friend to pull you out of your dark place in your head, or you can reach out to the few people who still care about you, and you know it damn well who all they are. So whenever it gets too dark, run towards the light. Don’t let the darkness consume you. There are a lot of depressed souls out there whom you need to cheer up. So buckle up, my boy, ‘cause you got a long life ahead of you. It’ll all be fine soon.

-Abhishek Gupta

Nightmare

The pen you gave me,
Before I went for my
first ever interview.
I threw it away, today.

The letter you wrote me,
where you confessed,
how you fell for me,
and what I meant to you.
I burnt it, today.

The keychain you gave me,
which had our initials
carved on it, as a reminder
of our profound love
for each other.
I thew it in the lake, today,
where we first kissed.

Our photos, every
frigging one of’em,
I tore them, today,
shredded them
into million pieces,
until I felt it couldn’t be
destroyed any further.

Your name, which I inked
on my wrist, I tried to wash
it off, but I couldn’t. I didn’t
have enough money left,
to remove it, so I burned it.
Because I was ready to bear
the pain of that burn rather
than this pain, this agony,
which my heart and I was
going through. I couldn’t
stand the fact that your
name was carved deep
in my skin, and I couldn’t
take it off. It disgusted me.

Lies, is what you fed me.
Broken hearted,
is what you made me.
You left me, alone,
so miserable, that
everyone now dreads me.
You said you loved me,
but I wasn’t the only one,
whom you said this to.
And when I saw it,
with my own eyes,it felt
like a dagger just pierced
right through my heart,
and dried, it bled me.

I threw away everything
which reminded me of you.
I destroyed everything
which reminded me of
how madly in love I was
with a person, who never
deserved any of my love.
But all of this for what?

I threw away everything.
I tried to erase you,
from my life.
But yet here we are,
in my memories,
a place which you will
never leave.

“Nightmare”

-Abhishek Gupta.

Read more about the article Past Present Future

Past Present Future

You can never go back to what you were. I can never go back to what I was. Our experiences change us. We evolve mentally, physically and emotionally with time. You need to accept yourself the way you’re now. Don’t think of the past, the things which made you happy. It’s in the past. Those people, those things which used to make you happy, aren’t there anymore. So find happiness in the things, the people you have now. Let bygones be bygones. Focus of present, because your present will shape your future. Always remember this.

-Abhishek Gupta

Sabotage.

A toxic relationship.
Bringing unhappiness.
Malevolent humans.
Driven by enviousness.
Away, you need to stay.
From such humans & relationships.
Burn the bridges.
You must’ve heard this, from many.
I say, why burn it?
Destroy. Sabotage. Extinguish it.
To bits and pieces.
Completely. So that the world,
Would see, what can you do,
If they try to hurt you.
You are what you are.
Do not restrain yourself.
Be. What you are.
Do. What you want.
You only live once.
– Abhishek Gupta.

Be truthful.

Why lying to someone, anyone,
that you love them, care about them,
When you have no such feelings, in actuality?
Why faking that love, that care, that affection,
When you don’t have it for that person?
What’s the point of being hideous here?
You tell them, that you care,
and that person believes you,
and then, what do you do?
You shun them when they need you.
You break their heart, for you lied, to them.
Why this duality?
Embrace what you are.
You don’t like somebody?
You don’t want that somebody, to be around?
Tell them, that you don’t want them.
But don’t be a dual faced person,
Who makes the life of others, miserable.
How would you feel, if someone,
you consider your own, someone you love,
someone you think care about you,
would do the same with you?
Feeling it, yet?
That emotional breakdown,
That feeling of betrayal,
That trust being getting
hammered into pieces?
Stop being frivolous.
Embrace your reality.
Embrace yourself.
Be truthful, to yourself,
and to others.
Love is divine.
Or at least it is considered.
So don’t make it dirty,
with your heinous acts.
– Love and be loved.
– Abhishek Gupta.

Anger.

All these years, all this time,
This rage inside of you, this anger,
It has all accumulated, inside,
waiting to burst out, to bring destruction,
to bring the wrath, upon everyone.
This anger, you can use it either,
to bring destruction or use it,
to achieve everything in your life,
which you always desired,
which you always wanted.
All you need to do is, use it wisely.
Forge your anger and displace it,
to a place where it’ll help you,
help you to excel, succeed, win.
Anger, if used, in a proper way,
displaced to a proper place,
can help you find and explore,
a person, who was concealed inside,
a person, thriving for success,
who was, all this time, hidden inside you.
He can help you, to get what you want,
to become what you thrive to be.
To win this quest, to search this person,
you need to embrace this anger, and,
use it to solve this quest, to find where is he.
– Anger, if used properly, is the key.
– Abhishek Gupta. 

Do not give up.

I know, you’re tired.

I know, it’s been tough.

Life has become so rough.

Betrayal, sorrow, despair.

I, too, know how it feels.

Life has been testing you,

Life always does that.

After a stormy night, 

Dawns a sun, beautiful and bright.

So, do not give up, my friend.

Not so easily, not without a fight.

Do not give up. Look up into the sky. 

You see those thunderous clouds there?

Once these clouds disappear. 

You will see, you will see, not afar, 

Is the sky, the moon and the stars.

– Hope.

– Abhishek Gupta.